I know that I often will gravitate back to my more emo/dark music, and those times I'm not sure if I'm stronger or just trying to make myself stronger.

Lately, I have been feeling quite stressed and overcome with things.

I pulled out two albums last week and only listened to them today.  One is the X Files tv show soundtrack and the other is the soundtrack to the movie Lost Highway.  They both contain some lovely darkness and joy that way.  I was somewhat thrashing to Rob Zombie/Alice Cooper while restocking my kitchen cupboards post-replacement-of-the-counter-top.  I think I may need to mix-n-match some of those songs onto a mix CD for the car.

My mind seems to be casting about for something.  Perhaps to fill some intellectual or crafty void that I've created in myself again - overworking myself and not asking for help therefore leaving myself no energy to do those other important things.

This week I'm heading into a moment of personal uncertainty.  There is a little fear creeping about in the corners of my mind.  I have to admit to being close to tears often in this past week while trying to slog through the avalanche of paper that continues to populate my work-life.  Because it feels like railing against the not-immediately-important-in-my-life.  There was almost a call in on Friday and a hiding day.  It's funny because they're focusing on mental health awareness in the workplace right now, and have been for about a year.  And yet I don't feel like a mental health day is a good use of my time.  This may be why I've burned out in the past.  And why tons of people tell me I'm too hard on myself.  Including Subchunker right now, at this very second, because he came out to check on me. (well, mainly came out to the living room to give me a kiss and then found out what I was writing about and then checked on me)

So instead of trying to take on less, I managed to pitch a small (tiny) business idea to a friend of mine this weekend.  I did it without thinking.  Maybe it was my subconscious trying to find its way out through the avalanche?  I had been considering a couple of crafty ideas in the past months, and this is a kind of hold-over from a previous idea that I wasn't brave enough to follow through on.

Not to fear, my life isn't all drama and stress.  There is laughter in the shallow-knees bends while brushing teeth, and the goofy pup's "inner ear" problem that makes her constantly flip over onto her back for belly-rubs every time one of the humans comes her way.

But I'm definitely contemplating what my next step may be.  And enjoying my angsty loud music.

I think I'm getting more politically... concerned? I'm not sure I'd characterise it as "interested"... aware?  Anyway, something... in my older age (as I mature?)  Perhaps as I accumulate more experience as to the impact other peoples' choices can have on my own individual freedoms and rights, I become more concerned that the political-powers-that-be not infringe on these dearly-held individual rights and freedoms that I truly believe are inherent to my existence as a human being.

Now, it may not be healthy, my current consumption of blog postings and news articles about the many *crazy* bills and laws being proposed and passed in Republican-controlled States south of the border.  Because I find it very... "concerning" (read: infuriating, worrisome and terrifying) that people who have been voted into office are taking such extreme measures to attack women's rights.  Like this week, a female Republican governor signed into being an actual piece of legislation that defines pregnancy as beginning two weeks before conception in the eyes of the Arizona state government.

...  I'll let you go Google how biology works.  Hint:  Not like that.

So, according to the state of Arizona - all women who are of child-bearing age are now considered pregnant, because they could conceive in the next two weeks.

I really appreciated the medical doctor, who is a representative in Arizona, who commented on the bill for the Huffington Post:

State Rep. Matt Heinz (D-Tucson), a physician, said he did not want the state to set the gestational age since science could not provide a precise one. "I imagine it will be a legal dispute. How can a judge determine gestational age?" Heinz said. "If medical science can only determine gestational age to within 10-14 days, how can a superior court judge do it?"

This was a part of three anti-abortion bills that were passed (and signed) this week, including one that prevents women from suing their doctors, if their doctors don't tell them that their child has serious and debilitating biological problems (also known as information that might cause a woman to choose not to bring this child to term).  So basically, it's a bill saying that it's okay for a doctor to purposely force a woman to carry a fetus that is not biologically viable past the point where she could safely choose to end the pregnancy.  Which doesn't seem like a very doctor-y thing to do... Aren't they supposed to be professional, non-judgmental, providing all the potential medical options and medical analyses and basically not making their patients' choices for them?  Or, maybe better said by an actual medical doctor representative (again - I'm liking this Matt Heinz guy so far):

"I cannot think of a time that it is right to withhold information from a patient that would cause them pain or death," Heinz told HuffPost. "That is not consistent with the Hippocratic Oath."

Amazingly, in Mississippi, a referendum to define personhood as the moment of conception was voted down. Other states have transvaginal ultrasound laws in place now, which state that when a woman chooses to end a pregnancy, for whatever reason, she first must be raped by her doctor with an object, offered (or forced?) to see an image of the fetus, listen to its heartbeat and then finalise her choice which was already difficult to ask for.

I won't even start on the birth control issue...

Clearly, as an independent, hard-working, thinking human being, I am concerned that US legislators are feeling the need to infringe on my autonomy.  Of course, it doesn't apply to me because I'm Canadian.  We not only have access to medical services without having to worry about going bankrupt, but abortion is legally unrestricted.

I don't know how many of you read A Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood, but it was my first introduction as a young adult to the concept that other people could just negate someone's autonomy and use them as they see fit in the name of their ideology.  And honestly, it scares me that this fictional story has such a basis in reality.  And this is what I see happening here.  The US states that are passing these laws - they honestly are reducing women to gestational chambers who, once pregnant, must finish producing a human being, regardless of how they came to be pregnant (read up on the fear of the "rape-loophole"), how dangerous it is to the mother's health and wellbeing (funny - pregnancy, while not a medical condition, is actually not risk-free), or whether she will be able to care for the child after it is born.  

I really wish I could come up with a comparable analogy to some sort of risky biological process that isn't pregnancy to get the point across.  I'll keep brain-storming...

At the end of the day, these actions feel like they're coming not from a scientific, fact-based assessment of the state of pregnancy and birthing in real life - it smacks of being ideological.  And paint me a bleeding-heart liberal or even some sort of quasi-libertarian, but back off my body.  The only person who gets to decide what happens in and on my body is me.  I will gather information from medical professionals and loved ones, especially loved ones who will be directly affected, but at the end of the day, it will be my choice.  And no, it won't be only fact-based, because I'm emotionally involved with what happens to me.  But you know what?  You're allowed to make emotional, medical decisions for yourself - extend me the same courtesy, no matter how it may offend your sensibilities.

Just a few vignettes to jot down as I sit here waiting for my back to chill out.  Something about too much for it to deal with.  I think after this, I shall retreat to the newly clean bathtub and have a beer and a bath.  Yes, that sounds like a plan.

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Once again, I find myself in an odd position involving death.  Currently, one of my relatives is preparing to join my ancestors, and we are all on deathwatch.  In waiting, learning of the new ways in which his departing is assured, one comes to review the societal rejection of euthanasia.  Surely in such situations, where it is obvious that death is the inevitable conclusion and that suffering is the road to that end, the loved ones and the departing should be allowed the choice to accept this end and hasten it so as not to prolong the suffering.  The system-wide organ shutdown.  The starvation over days.  No appetite for water even.  Pain, confusion... How is it more humane to allow a person to suffer in agony rather than allow them the opportunity to choose to die?

But since we do not have this option, I'm asking daily whether my relative is still alive, slowly dying.  And every day I receive the answer, "It will be soon - such-and-such happened therefore he hasn't much longer."

May you have ease of passing, death on the pillow...

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Took the pup for a walk the other morning, and have been so glad for the brighter 6:00 AMs.  That morning, she met up with one of her regular morning people (a jogger) and was induced to bark at her (despite my best efforts to prevent this... *sigh*... again...)  As we were heading home after the exchange, we passed a solitary crow sitting in a large tree alongside the pathway.  And it started making this "harr, harr, harr" noise.  I looked up, and the pup looked up, listening.  And it did it again, "harr, harr, harr, harr."  The pup kept walking and then turned to look at it again, and it squawked rudely, kind of laughing, as we walked away.

It had been barking at us.  And the pup recognized it as barking. I love crows and ravens.  They're awesome.

******************************

So Subchunker and I are moving in together - we're going to share the same address all official-like.  Hee!  It's kind of a big deal, since I swore after roommates in undergrad that I would never live with anyone ever again unless I really, really loved them.  So there you go.

One of my jobs is to clear my clutter and organize things better.  And Subchunker is doing a great job of trying to keep the momentum up and to develop all sorts of storage solutions for the stuff that I need to keep.  Apparently having a million hobbies results in having a lot of "stuff".  Huh.  Also, we're going to have to have space for his things as well, and his hobbies, and, well, stuff.

It's a work in progress, but I think we're making headway.  :)

******************************

Alright, kids - that enough of my adventures for now.  Remember, think critically, love deeply and laugh heartily.

I'm home ill with what seems to be a flu that's lasting a few days.  So I'm re-watching Practical Magic.  It's a guilty pleasure and I have to say, I love the romantic vision of the magical household.  The rambling gardens, the herb-filled pantry, the greenhouse, the beautiful country kitchen... These are the kinds of things that I dream about having eventually.  It might even make me more okay with my long hair, while I'm growing it for donation. All the main actresses - Stockard Channing, Dianne West, Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman - have long, romantic locks pulled back into long messy braids, twists and curls.  Well, that and the compliment I received from Subchunker this morning about my tussled and wavy mane.

It's really quite something to be so absolutely without energy and feeling poorly.  I promised my boss that I'd make it in tomorrow, regardless of how I felt.  Think healing thoughts...

I poked around in a couple of the blogs I like, did some searching online for various things I feel like I need right now (which may result in me taking a jewelry making course, actually...) and basically let myself exist is some of the more magical portions of my interests today.  I will likely continue in those activities a bit more this afternoon (although I have a squeaky dog here right now, staring at me, wanting to go outside).  I *am* trying to include those types of activities when I feel the desire.  I have some books to read and the OBOD course that I'm still doing, after ages of having it on my shelf and not moving forward with it.

Ah, but for now, the movie is finished and I'm feeling quite tired, even though I've only been sitting and watching (and surfing the internet). Perhaps I should take the dog for a short walk (to stop the whining) and that might perk me up a bit.  It will at least get me some fresh air...

I started writing a blog post last year (!) so I'll insert it right here, for chronological order:

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So, this post begins on paper.  Really.  With a pencil.  And no lines.  Because I wanted to write tonight, but I also wanted to lie down and not have to be on my computer.  There will be a lag [I'll say] between writing and posting for this one, but that's acceptable.

Tonight is my only free night left in my week until Sunday.  I suspect this post may be made on the weekend, actually. [ha...]

Yes, it is that time of year.  Where we celebrate with family and friends by getting together and eating food, laughing, chatting and socializing.

And gods help me, I'm already done with the social scene.

I noticed it first on Monday.  I'd turned on my evasion shield and was effectively flying solo - not making eye contact, slipping away from conversations and friends.

Then today, looking through people, and around them.  Some socializing and chatting, but effectively trying to let it flow over me and not stick.

Last night and tonight, I was very happy to walk the dog alone, navigating the dark and empty streets at supper time, the pup and I explored, drank in the fresh evening air and walked.

I'll be fine - the next few day have good things, not burdens.  Dinner with Subchunker's brother and sister-in-law.  Then my last archery class of the year.  Then Subchunker's and my five-month [almost six now!].  Then the annual Hanukkah get together and a get together at Subchunker's boss's place.

Then nothing.  Sweet nothing.

I think it's work stress making me sensitive and less able to negotiate the social sphere and not have all my energy eaten away.

But it's almost vacation...

************************************

I survived - nay, thrived - through the socializing.  Everything was comfortable and easy, thankfully.  I was very happy to leave work and go on vacation after that, though.  And it was lovely.  There was sleep.  And food.  And alcohol.  And coffee.  And love.

I'm in my first week back at work and it's been one of the best transitions from vacation to work that I can remember.  I'm not sluggish - I actually was accomplishing things the first day back.  I didn't cheat and check my email the day before I got back.  I started cold on Tuesday morning.  Of course, then I started *a* cold on Wednesday morning, but I rallied.  Here I am at the end of Thursday, feeling better, and I made it through a full workday.  I win!

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Oh, and for those who don't recognize it - the above story is an example of self-defense mechanisms for introverts who haven't had a chance to recharge.  We disconnect, not to be rude, but so that the socializing doesn't feel quite so much like being flayed alive.  It's not that we *can't* socialize.  It's that we need to recover from it.  And if we don't get a chance to catch our breath, we start to melt into the shadows, slip through the crowds, and don our invisibility capes to escape.  Extroverts often don't get it, because they are energized by having people around them.  For introverts, having people around sucks our energy from us.  It's just the way it is.

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So, as I may have mentioned before in my blog, I am not one for New Years resolutions.  Because they're like lying.  They're trying to pretend like you're going to do this huge character overhaul and suddenly make you the Perfect You this year.  This is going to the year that you do it!  *sigh*  Why didn't you think of this on December 27th?  Or October 5th?  Heck, why not do it on April 1st?  Why must we make promises we won't keep in two months time on the first calendar day of the year?  If there is something you want to change - if you're looking into the mirror and not liking what you see, why are you saying "I'll start that on January 1st!"  Why aren't you saying "I'm going to start today!"

The present moment is the only thing that you know for sure.  The past is unchangeable.  And you're living *right now* so why not do it right now?  If you like, I'll wait as you <insert excuses here>...

Done?  Excellent.

You know when the best time to sign up for a boot camp is?  Before it starts.  The next best time?  The day it starts.  The next, next best time?  The day after it started so you can at least go to the remaining weeks. To get your butt kicked and to want to puke for an hour while running up hills and doing plyometrics in the snow while people watch out their living rooms windows at the crazy people exercising in the snowstorm.

Yes, I did that.

Only I signed up for it in December, and it started in January.  Two years ago.  It wasn't my New Years resolution.  I was doing it to hang out with my friend, to get fit and to train for a 10K.  And it worked.  And I'm pissed at myself that I've lost that training and though I'm not back to absolute square one, it's going to be a bitch to get back to that.  But I will do it.  Because I want to run that 10K again this year.  And I'm packing up my excuses and sending them on their merry way.

It's January 5th, and I've decided this is what I'm doing.  And I'd kind of decided before, but I'm sick of being sick.  I'm tired of being tired.  And I don't like how my pants fit.

Back to training I go.  Not likely boot camp, but boot-myself.

I'm going to have to stop calling these "quick updates" and just be truthful and call them "blog entries, however short I perceive them to be"...

I'm having a moment of quiet, trying to get a few things orderly and tidied before the work week, that will be too short.  We have our work holiday party this week, which will cut into at least one of the days.  I've also been off sick with some kind of weird lurgy for the past couple of work days.  I'm hoping that it's done.

I read a very interesting post this afternoon while I was half-snoozing on my bed, after just having taken the pup for a long-ish walk in hopes that would be sufficient for her (according to her eyes right now, it wasn't).  The article was an interview between Ray Hemachandra and Byron Katie, talking about Katie's insight, which she calls The Work.  Essentially, it involves questioning yourself and seems to work towards a more honest interaction with yourself, helping you break down the crutches and masks that you use every day to maintain your patterns of comfort.  It was such an interesting back and forth, I really recommend reading it (and have posted it on my Twitter and Facebook so far, and now here).

Katie suggests that it is a constant meditation, and I can see how it results in a constant mindfulness and detachment.  She suggests this five step thought process (quoted from the Hemachandra article):

"The Work—the process of inquiry Katie teaches—has five steps. The first four steps are questions to ask about a stressful thought, and the last is a shift in perspective for inquirers to try out:
 
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
5. Turn the thought around."

I think of all the anxiety inducing scenarios, or heartbreak inducing scenarios, that this thought process would have solved.  The first time that I would start to make excuses or worry... The amount of energy this sort of an approach would save, the number of negative emotions it would avoid.  I can see if now:

"I haven't heard from X and they're late.  They must have been in a car accident."

"Is it true?"

"Well, it stands to reason - they were driving in to see me.  They're late.  Traffic/the weather is bad."

"Can you absolutely know that it's true?"

"Well, no.  It could also be that they're stuck in traffic.  Or they stopped to pick up some lattes since we're going to have a chat.  Or they may just be running late..."

"How do you react when you think that thought?"

"I get stressed, anxious, worried.  I start feeling unwell.  I pace and can't concentrate on what I'm doing.  I want to call them to see if they're okay, but I can't because they aren't reachable in their car.  And I swear I'll be so mad when they show up late and okay..."

"Who would you be without that thought?"

"Um... possibly a less stressed, less anxious, happier, more-able-to-enjoy-the-present-moment person..."

"Turn the thought around."

"I haven't heard from X and they're late.  They haven't been in a car accident."

There... now, doesn't that feel better?

I have a sighing pup at my feet, who is trying to get a point across.  Yes, dear, it is That Time Of Night, and we will go for a walk shortly...

Just wanted to do a quick update - it's unfortunate that I haven't been quick to jot down my blogging ideas in the last month or so.  I've had so many!  Some ranty, some lovey-dovey - but they all seem to fly out of my head when I grab my pen and paper.  Ah well.

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It's not so much the death of a lifestyle as the evolution of one.  I've been experimenting with living in the 'burbs for the last month or so, in preparation for co-habitation with Subchunker (his screen name).

Anyone who has heard my previous ranty rantings about city living knows that I am a Country Girl and living in the city grates on my soul.  I've written poetry about how I feel like I'm dying inside because of being surrounded by people, cars, dirty air, light-always-light...  But I'm trying not to grasp and hold all of that too tightly.  Life is.  Reality is.  And I can't have everything that I want, always and forever.

A while ago, a friend of mine (who had faith that one day I would find the right guy, after I'd learned the right lessons) suggested that I shouldn't wait to go after my dreamy dreams because what if?  What if I didn't make it there?  If I spent the time waiting to make it to that point, then I would have pined away those moments, wishing for something in the future instead of taking action in the present to do something that would fulfill me.  It was around that time that I started looking for a house and put certain things in place to make sure that I'd be able to afford it.

Fast forward a couple of years, and here's me - life has intervened, but I had gotten out there and started looking at houses.  I'd gone to see a lovely house that was almost exactly what I wanted.  I'd seen houses that were clean, well kept, well laid out, affordable, attractive... but not mine.  I'd walked away from several places that told me that they were meant for someone else.  I'd run away from several places that were dirty, mouldy, rotten and wrong.  I'd been told by many people that my criteria for my house was crazy, and that I'd never find a place that met my specifications and that I should settle.

Because I didn't settle, I remained here.  I was still bothered with the problems of here - communal living, noise bleed, etc.  I see a number of choices (and non-choices that I opted to allow to happen by letting the deadline for the choice pass by) that I made that led me to now, and my ideal situation of being extremely... liquid.  I am not tied to this place - the most trouble I will have is making sure I give two months notice before the date I want to leave.  This may involve me physically walking my letter to my landlord to make sure they receive it on the day exactly (something that bit me in the ass last time).  Because I didn't listen to the people pressuring me to buy a place that didn't jump out at me and say "Hi! I'm your first house!", I don't have a mountain of debt that I will have to shift in order to co-habitate with my lovely man.

And to all of this, I say, "YUSSSS!" while pulling down a fist of glory.  Just let me gloat on this one for a little bit.  I'm not one to easily shrug off peoples' logical advice, but this time I listened to my gut (and it's served me better than it has in the past).

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And once again, a blog post gets written instead of the NaNoWriMo novel that I'm supposedly working on.  Yeah....

I am feeling very blessed right now.

Every morning, I wake up to a sweet man who smiles, even though he's snoozy.  Every night, I fall asleep with arms around me and words of affection being rumbled into my ear.

Every morning (except this week), I wake up to a happy pup who is positive and patient.  Every afternoon, I come home to a black and white nose at the door and no ears and a tail wagging so hard, her bum won't stay still.

Every morning, I wake up to a chirping trill as my ten year old cat hops off the bed where she was snuggling with us.  Every afternoon, I can be sure to hear the purr rumble through her body if I put my ear to her head or chest while she reclines on the bed.

And I go to work and smile and laugh with my colleagues.  I come home to food in the pantry and the ability to turn it into a meal that is comforting, satisfying and tasty.  I have the time (and mostly the energy) to engage in my hobbies and do them well.

I celebrate my friends' joys - a new baby, progress on renovations, a successful business trip, a successful quiche.

The world is beautiful, and though I've been optimistic, I think, for a large chunk of my life - these days I see beauty everywhere.  There is an abundance of love, and I have a certain feeling in my core that things will turn out.

I refer back to my previous post - I am happy.  For the first time in a long time, I can truly say that my sentiments fit the full definition of happy.

Hi there. *wave*


I'm the, erm, writer of this here blog.  It's been a while, I know.  That's usually what happens to me in the summer, I suppose.  Things sort of go insane with busyness and then I collapse back here in an exhausted mess, swearing up and down and sideways that I will find a better balance for my active/relaxing life.


And it definitely has been busy, believe you me.  There were concerts and parties and vacations and dog walking.  But there was also something surprising and amazing.  There was a man.


We met in the usual way - we both attended the same function, driving far out of the city to do so.  We sat next to each other on a couch, and noticed each other.  I was invited to another event by him, and I attended (and was the last non-family member to leave).  Then, there was a message and an invite on a date.  Then there was a second date - but that one was preceded by a 1.5 date.  And the rest, I think they'll agree, is history.


Happy?  Yes, I am.  For the first time in a very long time - probably about three years, actually - I can honestly say I'm happy.  My friends notice it.  My mother notices it.  I am happy.


My pup loves him.  My cat does too.



I'll try to get back to writing - it's something I hate missing out on.  He also has writing to do, we'll probably start doing that together.  But at the same time, I'm having so much fun, you'll have to cut me some slack.